Friday, July 4, 2008

the fanged beast

Last night I saw the 4th biggest spider I've ever come across in a domestic setting. I was standing in the bathroom getting ready for bed and as I threw an errant piece of toilet paper in the trash can, something moved. When it moved again, I realized that it was a huge (even by my inflated standards) light brown spider with rangy legs and very obvious fangs. The sound I emit during a spider sighting is a cross between a yelp, a screech and what I imagine a yak would sound like. So I yelped from the hallway while the sauce, a.k.a. spider catcher extraordinaire, calmly went about gathering her tools (1 pint glass and a piece of cardboard/stiff paper). I periodically ventured into the bathroom to verify that the spider remained in plain sight (yelping the whole time). Once the spider was contained, I requested once last look at the beast that could have eaten me while I brushed my teeth (yelp) and then charrow set it free outside.

Here's a list of the top 5 largest spiders I've ever had the pleasure of yelping at:

1. Possible tarantula while painting in someone's basement ALONE. It was hairy. It had knuckles. It lunged when I cast a shadow on it. I almost left for the day without finishing the job.

2. Another possible tarantula while shopping at the Eddie Bauer outlet in Fredericksburg, VA. It was crawling along the floor near a circular rack of dresses. I made the mistake of pointing it out to a male store clerk who preceded to SQUASH it. I can only imagine the mess it made.

3. A spider big enough to cover my entire face (no small head jokes from the peanut gallery) on the wall next to the couch in my current apartment.

4. See first paragraph.

5. I don't know if this spider was all that big, but it scared the crap out of me because I came within inches of accidentally TOUCHING it. I was being shown a rabbit's foot fern, which, by the way, has roots that resemble tarantula legs. It should be renamed tarantula fern. When I reached out to touch the scary roots (while yelping), a spider emerged about 1 inch from my finger. There was screaming.


Laura said...

Identical situation last week in this apartment. I was sitting on the couch, it crawled up next to me, I freaked the fuck out. Arachnaphobic like crazy, and the dude had to exterminate it. I'm still leery of sitting on the couch. Same breed of spider, I bet.

I am so drunk right now, I'm not sure if I'm typing properly, It's a challenge.

Steve said...

If it makes you feel any better (it probably won't), those big brown spiders are generally harmless. (If they're the same kind I used to see in Florida, that is.) We called them "housekeepers" because they eat other bugs.

ester said...

dude, i *just* finished re-reading Kafka on the Shore. it's not my favorite Murakami but i'd forgotten how deeply it sucks you in. all i wanted to do was curl up somewhere with the book and not be bothered til i was done.

also, have you read reichl's awesome Garlic and Sapphires? <3 <3 <3