symmetry

I am 30 years old today. As of 10:03 am (or possibly 10:33am; my mom can't remember which time is mine and which time is my brother's, but she claims I'm the early one). I could regale you with the ways in which I feel less than prepared for this age, but instead, I'm going to provide you with a list. There is no point to this list except that it has 30 items and they are mostly about me. It is not random (oh how I hate the overuse of the word random), but it might be amusing.

1. I hate warm cookies.

2. I have tipped over while standing at a curb with my bicycle. There were children nearby, but they didn't laugh at me.

3. if you baked me an apple pie, I wouldn't eat it, but I would appreciate the gesture.

4. last night I had a bad dream about throwing up, and when I woke up I was afraid that I'd actually vomited.

5. I cry when I laugh really hard.

6. my brother, my dad, and I all have the birthdays that are different dates but end up being the same day of the week (i.e. all of our birthdays are on thursday this year)

7. I once made my brother wear a dress. there are pictures.

8. he once made me sit on a red ant hill. there are no pictures, but now I really hate ants.

9. I made a kite in summer school one year and now whenever I see wooden dowels at the hardware store all I can think about are kites.

10. when I was in 4th grade I used to stay after school and help out in the library because I thought it was fun.

11. I used to own a Bart Simpson skate board.

12. I'm beginning to get bored with my list. Are you?

13. My mom's favorite numbers are 7 and 13. When my brother and I were younger, she would ask us to pick a number between 1 & 20 when we wanted something. her number was always 7 or 13.

14. I could probably eat 14 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies in one sitting, but not if they're warm.

15. Maybe I shouldn't have picked 30 items. I'm only halfway there.

16. I used to eat butter. One time when I was around 4 years old my entire family was out washing the car, and I was in the kitchen stealing bites from a stick of butter.

17. I went to band camp.

18. And I played the flute.

19. But senior year of high school, I switched to a brass instrument.

20. Sometimes I like to play a game where you spell a word backwards and I tell you what word it is.

21. I'm terrible at crossword puzzles.

22. If I had to sound out the letters of my nickname in german it would be "yotta yotta"

23. I like to make to do lists with little checkboxes.

24. I drink out of the same coffee mug every day. I rinse it out when I'm done, but I only wash it about once a week. I just found out that my dad does the same thing.

25. I've thrown up on one of my friends before. Sorry about that.

26. I almost failed chemistry in college.

27. I used to request the following as my birthday dinner: barbecued chicken legs, mashed potatoes, and green peas. Then I would mix the peas and the mashed potatoes together. For dessert: yellow cake with chocolate frosting and ice cream on the side. always on the side. never ON the cake.

28. Have you ever tried to write a list of 30 things? I don't recommend it.

29. I hate the word "stinky"

30. The faint smell of dog treats is wafting up from my shorts pocket, and it's making me kind of nauseated.

Rest assured, I won't do that again. Nor will I turn 30 again. Ah, symmetry.

wisdom from the bleating bandits

Okay, here's what the goats had to say:

1. they said Write. something. anything. it doesn't matter. they said you like to read pointless shit, so the chances are, someone else will want to read your pointless shit. they said if you keep waiting for a band of people to emerge from the internet clouds and say Please, write more pointless shit! before you put together 6 words and add a period, then you will never write. And forget about writing past the pointless shit into anything worthwhile because you'll never get there if you don't start stomping around in the muck of shitty first drafts. this blog isn't about precision; it's about habit. considering this space the home of a polished polemic is handicapping, and in practice has turned it into an abandoned playground. i don't have platforms. i have pictures and observations and bad metaphors and run on sentences and questionable tense continuity.

2. they said stop making excuses and start training dogs and for god's sake, earn some money. they said there will always be someone who knows more about dogs than you so there's no point in waiting until you feel like you know enough to play with the big boys. you will always feel like you need to know more, and there will always be more to know, so stop waiting for the bear hug of proficiency because you can't get there without screwing up first.

3. they also said clean your damn apartment. to put it bluntly, they said hey idiot, stop reading books about being productive and simplifying your life and think about maybe putting some of that jargon into action.

4. they said if you're going to write a list of goals to accomplish before your next birthday, maybe consider looking at that list every month and picking one thing to focus on. they said there's no way you can accomplish things like learning basic german if you buy a workbook and then let it collect cat hair on the bookshelf for 8 months before you pick it up and say "wow that book is dusty" and then reshelve it for another 8 months.

5. they also said not to share any of their wisdom with the outside world. excuse me while I run from the bleating bandits that are ramming into the front door. good thing I locked it.